How Did Moving In Together Change Your Relationship

How Did Moving In Together Change Your Relationship – Ben and Alicia are waiting for the other to change. I see it all the time in my private practice.

“I’ve been miserable for years,” Ben complained. “I asked Alicia to give me space, but nothing seemed to change. I couldn’t seem to breathe.”

How Did Moving In Together Change Your Relationship

“Ben has his friends every weekend,” reflects Alicia. “He didn’t consider my needs and I felt very lonely.”

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If you want your partner to change, start by accepting them for who they are. In the Seven Principles of a Successful Marriage, Dr. John says, “People can only change if they feel that they are fundamentally loved and accepted for who they are. When one feels rejected. criticized, disliked and unappreciated, they cannot change. they feel besieged and dug deeper to protect themselves.”

Instead of criticizing your partner, remember all the things you appreciate about them and share with them. Be genuinely interested in learning why they see or do something different from you, and be willing to respect and even celebrate what makes them unique.

Of course, there are some things that should never be tolerated in a relationship, such as abuse, addiction, or infidelity. These behaviors should be addressed lovingly and directly with the help of a professional. Even in those cases, you can still accept the person even if you don’t approve of their behavior.

What Ben and Alicia don’t realize is that they’re not really arguing about how much time they spend together. The fundamental problem in their marriage is that neither partner can express their needs without blame.

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They have never discussed time and how much time together means to each other. Talking about this in my office, Ben finally understood Alicia’s fear of being alone. His understanding led him to find time to spend the weekend together.

Couples seeking a deeper emotional connection must understand that vulnerability and intimacy go hand in hand. In other words, intimacy can only happen when partners are vulnerable enough to share their deepest hopes, fears, and dreams without judgment.

Do you spend more time questioning your partner’s words or actions than examining yourself? Blaming your partner may feel good at the moment, but it’s dangerous because it can lead to anger and resentment.

Conflict is not bad in relationships. After observing thousands of couples in his lab for over 40 years, the doctor discovered a simple truth: all couples argue. The difference between couples who stay together and those who divorce is how they fix their conflicts. Relationship gurus take responsibility for their role in the problem and changing their own behavior.

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The doctor explains: “Couples that don’t repair those wounds will lead to wounds that fester day after day, month after year, until they eventually break up. Repair is pointless. equally important in any kind of relationship, especially intimate ones.”

Here are four things you can do instead of trying to change your partner so that you can change your relationship for the better.

Many people keep bad relationships with the desire to change partners. In The Principles of Marriage, Dr. Harriet Lerner writes, “If you don’t change your part of the deadlock pattern, no change will happen. Change comes from the bottom up—it’s from the people. hurt the most or the person hurt the least has power, or the person who has lost or committed too much in the relationship”.

When you focus on changing your partner, you miss the opportunity to find a solution together. You are no longer on the same team. Instead, focus on current issues to meet the needs of both.

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Anger is often a symptom of potential hurt, fear, and frustration, so say it with an I and focus on expressing your feelings in a vulnerable way to get the other person to understand. your pain, instead of pushing them away.

We are responsible for how our words and actions make our partners feel. Apologize to your partner by taking responsibility for the problem, even if it’s a minor one, and this will validate their feelings, promote forgiveness, and allow both of you to move on.

In Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, the doctor explains that criticizing your spouse is one of the Four Horsemen predicting divorce. It’s different from giving criticism or voicing complaints. A criticism attacks the core of a person’s personality while a complaint focuses on specific behavior.

Successful couples remember to give each other the benefit of the doubt and consider that both are doing the best they can. In The Science of Belief, Dr. advises couples to talk about their feelings in terms of positive needs rather than what they don’t. By being good friends, you can create a healthy relationship that will help you heal and get through tough times together.

Moving In Together

There is a saying that you are the change you want to see in the world. Gandhi advises us: “If we can change ourselves, the trend of the world will also change. When a man changes his nature, he changes the world’s attitude towards him.” I think the same is true in relationships.

Marriage Minutes is a new email newsletter from the Institute that will improve your marriage in 60 seconds or less. Over 40 years of research with thousands of couples has proven a simple fact: Little things can often make big changes over time. you have a minute not Sign up below.

Terry Gaspard MSW, LICSW is a licensed therapist and author. She is a contributor to the Huffington Post, TheGoodMenProject, The Institute Blog and  Marriage.com. His new book, out now, is the NEW FAMILY HANDBOOK: How to Make Things Work Better a Second Time. Follow Terry on Twitter, Facebook and movingpastdivorce.com. Living together. You stay at his place so often that you don’t step foot in your apartment for weeks (well, except to get your mail and change your dirty clothes). Making it official is the next natural step, right?

Maybe. Moving in together is one of the most important milestones in any relationship; a real test of your commitment and a sign of a potential life together. But it’s important to approach it the right way.

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Breaking up after moving in can be hurtful, uncomfortable, and exhausting (ask anyone who has had to split books and belongings after 5 years of dating), so it’s important to take the next step. this is the right way. But don’t let that scare you. Living together can be very rewarding and help you build the essential foundation for a successful marriage or long-term partnership.

As someone who has gone through this commitment and guided many others through it, I fully support couples who live together after a year or two of dating. But how do they come to this decision? Before you decide, here are the key conversations to have, the steps to take, and the transitions to make.

I know too many people who think that moving in together foreshadows a “forever” situation; therefore, they never ask their partner where they want the relationship to go. Because some people are more adaptable and aren’t willing to give much thought to future commitments, they may disagree about living together.

. If you want to get married, you have to make that clear first. And if you don’t see marriage in the near future (or never will), it’s important to state your point. There’s nothing more devastating than feeling like you’ve been “cheated” by misinformation. Avoid feeling difficult; had this conversation long before we lived together.

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When you think you might want to live with S.O. stay at each other’s homes as often as possible. Spend weekends together. Dating on weekdays. Traveling together for five or six days. There’s an intimacy that develops during these brief stays that you just can’t replicate with traditional dates. You will be able to meet your partner when unexpected disappointments arise and when you find yourself in uncomfortable situations. If your relationship continues to deepen and grow even when you’re not on your best behavior, moving in together can be a big step forward.

Many people are apprehensive about the idea of ​​living with someone. They fear that they might lose their independence, that the relationship will go stale, or that they will break up and have to start over. These fears are completely normal. But I think it’s important to talk about your biggest problems before moving in, recognize the risks that exist, and then make a plan to deal with the worst-case scenario. Sometimes, just talking about how you will handle a split or how you make sure to maintain your independence can allay your fears and provide you with a plan should you encounter one. these problems.

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