Moms Boyfriend Causes Family Drama
Moms Boyfriend Causes Family Drama – I have a wonderful, loving and dynamic relationship with my boyfriend of three years. He is the only child of a single mother, and although I know this structure is often fraught with problems, I recognize early on some extraordinarily complex aspects of his mother’s personality. I’m a therapist, and while trying to avoid armchair diagnosis, I couldn’t help but notice her narcissism and dramatic personality disorder.
As you can imagine, we didn’t get along very well. She could read the condemnation on my face when she couldn’t handle her self-praising monologues. All my usual conflict tools (reflective listening, nonviolent communication, highlighting my own flaws and vulnerabilities) were not heard. When I express any semblance of dissatisfaction, I get angry – tears, recriminations, self-pity, humiliation – which I recognize as narcissistic anger.
Moms Boyfriend Causes Family Drama
My boyfriend long ago decided to accept his mother, choosing to be grateful and compassionate despite her more troubling behaviors (overly sexist comments, decades of financial neglect, dramatic self-pity). I commend him for that. He appreciates her suffering and how hard she worked for him, and comes to the conclusion that compassion is the best course of action. Research on narcissistic personality disorder can provide some support for this strategy.
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However, I drown in internal protests: “I deserve better treatment.” The main problem is that my boyfriend pathologizes his mother, which is understandable. He defends her and reminds me how upset I would be if I talked about my family like that. I’ve always been very sensitive, so his mom and I have very similar complaints. I want to enjoy the time my boyfriend has left with his mother, and I wonder if a less sensitive woman could at least shrug off some of the things that offend me.
If we stay together, our future will consist of living in a house with a granny flat where she now lives in a property he bought. I’m in my mid-30s and want to have kids, so if my relationship with my boyfriend is unstable I think it’s best to end it sooner rather than later.
Obviously your boyfriend’s mother is not your future mother-in-law if you can book your ideal candidate, but I think the line between your professional life and your personal life is blurring here, which is causing you to blur. good Whether you’re in therapeutic training or not, it’s easy to see the situation from the outside, so let me offer an outside perspective.
As you know, I’m sure we bring our origins to our current conflicts, or as we say in therapy, our fights with people usually start long before we meet them. This may also apply to an argument you have with your boyfriend’s mother.
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I’m not saying your boyfriend’s mom doesn’t have a hard time. Instead, I’m asking if some of her annoying behavior — her self-righteousness, martyrdom, inappropriate comments — bothers you more because of the sensitivity you mention you bring to the relationship. Of course, we all have innate personality traits, but personalities are often shaped by a person’s environment. If his mother pushes your buttons that much, there might be a historic fight here that doesn’t originate with her.
For example, instead of accepting your boyfriend’s tactics to not take your mother’s behavior personally and condone it, you “judge” her for her self-righteous monologues that aren’t personal attacks on you. Meanwhile, you confront her with your “dislike,” even though you probably know intellectually that she is incapable of feeling someone else’s pain painlessly. Despite realizing her limitations, you still try to see and understand her. You want your boyfriend to see his mother’s behavior the way you see it. Is this a familiar situation, something you’ve experienced with people in your past?
You can’t change his mother, but changing the way you feel about her will give you more clarity about whether this relationship is possible. First, realize that you are joining your boyfriend’s family and he is joining yours. Both of you have already had a three-decade-long relationship with your parents, so it’s unlikely that you see his mother the way he does and he sees your parents the way you see him. Instead of trying to make your boyfriend see his mother through your eyes, you should consider why this is so important to you.
I say this because the way things are now, you are putting your boyfriend in the middle of two people he loves, both of whom are very important to him. It is not your job to diagnose his mother or tell him how he should feel about her. Also consider that he doesn’t like everyone in your family. What if he didn’t like, say, your troubled sister, but you loved her so much despite her flaws? What will he gain by complaining about his mother if you can’t control her behavior any more than you can control her?
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One way to avoid reacting to his mother is to focus less on her flaws and more on her good qualities. If the man you love is raised by her, she must have some good qualities; Find out what it is. In therapy, we not only look at what isn’t working with our patients, we also look for strengths. Build on his mother’s weaknesses, even the smallest ones. If she has something in common with her son – interests, qualities – you will probably find a common language. At least you and she have one important thing in common: you both love the same person. If you can respond less to her, she will respond less to you. If you are good at controlling your sensitivity (a book I highly recommend for sensitive people
, by Elaine Aaron), teases the past out of the present and focuses on areas of the relationship where, even if you’ll never be friends, you might find that his mom grows on you over the years.
In the meantime, the most important issue is managing the difference between how close you and your boyfriend want to be with his mother, and how close you want to be with him. Even though you’ve been dating for three years, it seems that the two of you haven’t been able to discuss living in the same area as his mother. He may have avoided the topic to avoid hearing hurtful criticism of his mother whenever it comes up in conversation, you may have avoided the topic because you feel he is not supporting you when it comes to your mother, so why bother?
Now is the time to have an honest conversation, not only will it help both of you to better listen to each other about this sensitive topic, but it’s one of the many issues unrelated to his mother that you both need to work on in your relationship if you decide to stay together.
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There is no “correct” solution here, but there are several options: rent the property so you have your own space, move into the property but find other arrangements for his mother, sell the property outright, create effective boundaries with a granny flat on the property. Whatever you decide, you’ll learn more about the strength of your relationship through these conversations than if you tried to change his mother.
Respect Therapist is for informational purposes only, does not constitute medical advice and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician, mental health professional or other qualified health care provider for any health concerns you may have. By submitting an email, you allow The Atlantic to use it – in part or in whole – and we may edit it for length and/or clarity. Family drama. “90 Day Fiancé” star Asual Pulao had to physically evict his mother Lesina Pulao and sister Tammy Acosta from the home they share with wife Kalani Fagata and her parents for allegedly “pushing” them on the Sunday, August 1 episode. “90 Days Fiancé” started a stormy fight. : Happily ever after? But why do Pula and Fagata break up? Continue scrolling below to know more about Kalani and Osuela’s family feud.
At the time, Oswelu and Kalani decided to visit his mother and sister, as the Samoans lived in Washington, not far from where Kalani and Kalani lived in Utah. The couple traveled with their two sons, Oliver
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